I am a freak

I can’t even believe that this is taking up so much of my attention at this point in time, given everything else that’s going on.  But I can’t stop thinking about it, so I’m going to post about it and see if it helps.

I don’t think I’m as straight as I thought I could be/have been trying to be/etc.  If you don’t want to know, then read no further.

I have very little basis for determining much of anything, and I don’t know where to start.  I had a very brief relationship in college – all of 3 months, of which nearly a month’s worth was the two of us away at home over the holidays.  It was during that time that I figured out how bizarre our relationship was and decided to break up with her.  Yes, I said her – it was with another woman.  I was at a women’s college and it was actually a fairly accepted part of the culture, unlike out in the “real world”.

Backing up a little further – I was sexually abused as a child.  Initially by my mother, later by an older boy.  I find it interesting (if very odd) that I tend to feel safer with women, since my mother was anything but safe – but I also had to believe that she was perfect for the vast majority of my life, in other to survive growing up, so I assume that’s related.  Who knows.  Being “awakened” at the age of 8 or so was unfortunate.  It’s far too young to realize how incredibly different it feels to be touched by someone other than yourself.  I wound up with this lovely complex – a craving for sex, terror of giving in because I was too young and would get “in trouble”, a terror of intimacy, a craving for the taboo (since my “awakening” was in a situation where I felt trapped, powerless, and disgusted, and that all got wired together)…  It’s a mess.  Oh yeah, and TONS of shame around anything even remotely involving sex.  But only as it applies to myself, of course, or I could never do postpartum care. 😉

I spent most of my life single and untouched.  Had that girlfriend in college, but that was it for there.  Turned fairly slutty in my late 20s, but at a remove – messing around with people, just no relationships.  Men and women both in that time frame (and at the same time, once or twice).  Continued this a little bit after my move, but mostly went celibate again.  Became a Baha’i at one point, and they have strict rules – no sex outside of marriage and no homosexuality at all, period, end of story, so I figured “well, I’ve messed with both, and I’m equally slutty either way, so it should be no problem to play it straight”.

Had a VERY brief fling with dating through an online site – which I suspect may have played a role in my anorexia rearing its ugly head last year.  Somehow, the only guys I met were all still living with their mothers, which is very bad considering the state of my apartment and how I’m ashamed to have anyone here – and frankly is a little scary in our 30s.  I did quite like the last guy I was seeing, we dated several times and I enjoyed being with him – but we had NO chemistry.  And there were some specific issues I had, but it did make me wonder a bit.  But I was busy being anorexic, so I didn’t do much more thinking on it at the time.

In the past few months, it’s been much on my mind.  I already really don’t consider myself to be a Baha’i anymore – though I haven’t discussed that with any of my Baha’i friends.  Because I’m a big giant chicken.  Sigh.  One crisis at a time.  What I have been noticing of late is a definite trend in my fantasies – when I fantasize about men, they are always faceless, and at the *ahem* peak of the fantasy, I have a major rush of shame and the fantasy dissolves.  When I fantasize about women, they can be women I know (no, nobody who reads this, so don’t get all freaked out, I am not flirting with any of you), and there can be fantasized conversation and cuddling after – and while the inevitable rush of shame still shows up, it’s slower and weaker.

So what does any of this mean?  Who knows.  How much is related to my actual sexuality as opposed to my messed up emotional state.  Who knows.  I still don’t *want* to deal with the social ramifications of having a girlfriend (though that’s less of an issue in this metro area than in many other places), and of course I really don’t want to try to explain ANY of this to some of my Baha’i friends (though some won’t care at all, after the initial startlement).  Recently kind of came out to a friend of mine.  Mostly by accident (didn’t double-check all of my pronouns before I clicked “send”).  She recently turned standoffish – and I can’t help but wonder if it’s related.  Who knows; in the meantime, I also started completely losing my emotional balance, which she does not tend to handle well, so hard to know what was a factor and what wasn’t, and what is just me overreacting in the first place.  But none of that really matters because neither my current financial nor emotional states will even begin to permit me to pursue anybody of either gender.

But seriously, if I could, how does one even start?  “Hello, I have no idea if I am or could potentially be attracted to you or your gender in general, I’m just experimenting, even though we are now many years out of college – want to be my science project?”.  I think my pick up line needs work. :/

How the hell does everybody else figure this stuff out? (of course, for starters, they don’t wait until their mid 30s to make a START)

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