Needs

Talking about sex. Y’all have been warned. I’ll try to minimize the TMI factor.

So according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, sex is on a par with eating and breathing. Makes me wonder about the fact that I’m 33 and living like a nun. Coupled with the fact that my sexual partners have been VERY few and far between and I literally have not been touched with any kind of intimacy in over 5 years. I know that sex can do great things for one’s anxiety levels and general emotional state, so it does make me suspect I might be healthier if I wasn’t celibate.

It’s interesting to me how much we emphasize at work how infants need skin-to-skin contact – but it’s so bloody hard to even get a hug in this society. This is part of why I get massages whenever I can – not only do I need the stress reduction, but I just freaking need to be TOUCHED sometimes. I swear that I get as much benefit simply from the touch of her hands on my body as I do from the actual manipulation of my muscles.

I have a strong suspicion that most of my sexual issues, at this point, can’t really be solved without actually being in a sexual relationship. And yet a large part of why I can’t handle being a relationship is related to the degree of shame I have around sex. Quite a catch-22, there. I also don’t have anything even remotely resembling enough emotional maturity (or ego strength) to handle a relationship, so the point is moot anyway, but it’s an interesting conundrum. Right up there with how I suspect sex would lower my anxiety – but my anxiety is too high to handle the thought of sex.

My friend has been loaning me books in a series written by Ilona Andrews. Just read the one where the protagonist finally got her relationship with the lord of the shapeshifters started. I skimmed over the sex scene (very tastefully written, I did note), but what really caught my eye was a bit later in the book – when she’s in the bath and he joins her. They have sex later, but the part that really caught my mind was just the concept of her laying against his chest. Just that moment of connection. Not sexual, just intimate. THAT’S what I really want. Connection, contact, intimacy… That’s what made me long to be her, for just a second (though no longer, since she’s constantly fighting for her life – or someone else’s).

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