Had some interesting dreams the past two nights. Both about people from the studio, which is interesting considering what all has been going on in my crazy brain about that this past week.

Two nights ago, it was about Diana. I was at the studio. It was the end of the day – but sunny out, so maybe it was a Saturday? I don’t know. Everyone was leaving and I was going to stay and clean (as happens a lot IRL), but for some reason I decided that I needed to learn to do a cartwheel on the right side – with right hand going down first/left leg kicking up first. Don’t know why, but it was suddenly super important. This is actually true, IRL I can only do left-sided cartwheels. So in this dream, it was suddenly really important that I get this figured out. So I try to do one – but it’s like my body got confused by it. As soon as my hands hit the floor, my arms gave out and I collapsed on the floor. Hadn’t kicked my legs off yet, so I can’t even use the term “fell”, it didn’t hurt. I think I was giggling about it. Diana had popped in just then to turn off the lights in the room, and of course asked what I was up to, if I was okay, etc. I explain that I’m trying to learn to do a cartwheel on the right side, and she thinks for a moment and then decides that she’s going to teach me. She grabs one of the tumbling mats and pulls it out, while she’s telling me that she doesn’t want me messing with tumbling on my own, especially after everyone has left, because what if I got hurt and nobody was around? But not upset or scolding-like, and in fact it felt really good that she cared enough to worry. So she gets a mat out and we work for a while. The only thing I remember clearly about that part is one attempt where I tried to kick off with my right leg first, like I do in the cartwheel I know how to do, and of course it totally didn’t work and we cracked up.

I guess I got it, at some point, because a little while later we were on the road. I think the teams were going on some kind of vacation trip, and I got to go along as a chaperon. We were going to Club Tahoe, which is again linked to real life – my family had a time share condo up there, a ski week. In the dream, we were in the Bay Area, so it wasn’t far to Tahoe (this may have come from catching up on Dance Moms – they were in Tahoe for the national competition). Everyone was on their own to get there, but I got to ride with Diana and her boyfriend. He was driving, she was riding shotgun, and I was in the back with… their golden retriever? LOL. No idea where the golden retriever came from, Diana does not have a dog. The dog decided that it didn’t want to ride in the other seat, it wanted to ride on my lap. So I’m behind Diana, with the dog curled up sleeping on my lap… we weren’t even talking about anything in particular, nothing would have been deeply memorable about that moment if it had been real, just this sweet moment of connection and belonging. Woke up feeling happy and relaxed and loved – which is unusual for me, but I liked it.

The other one was a little more typical of my dreams. A little darker, a little more disturbing. This one was last night, and it featured Jessica. For some reason, I had gone home for Christmas. Yes, home. As in, Bay Area. As in, the parents I haven’t spoken to in 5 years. Even in the dream, I couldn’t recall having *started* speaking to them again, and I didn’t know why I was there. We were talking, at least, but everything was uneasy. I couldn’t get a break, since my friends are all up here and I had no place to go (apparently I couldn’t get out to the library or anything). It was Christmas Eve and we were bringing the presents down (in our family, they don’t go under the tree until Christmas Eve). There were piles and piles of them, as there always were (my family loves Christmas) – but only one was for me. And it was a tiny little thing, small and flat, shabbily wrapped in newspaper with no ribbon or anything, amidst all the finery. It wasn’t about greed, but it HURT to just have that one crappy little package (and I think it was from Grandma and not from them anyway). It was a crystal clear message that after all this time, they didn’t WANT me back. But of course, nothing was being said – everyone was acting pleasant, but everything was quiet and strained and awful. Cut to Christmas morning and for some reason me and Dad and my brother are all going a movie, taking some kind of public transit. Like the Max, except that they don’t have that there. Like BART, but that’s not in the South Bay. Whatever. Oh, and there was snow on the ground. It DOES NOT snow in Saratoga, but hey – my brain is an odd place. Anyway, so we’re heading for the train station, on foot, and somehow I know that we aren’t all going to be able to be on the train – like there’s not enough space or something? Why wasn’t clear, and wasn’t the point. I told them to go on and I’d catch the next train, it would still get me there in time for the movie. There’s some desultory argument, but the train is leaving, so they get on. The minute it’s out of sight, I start walking away. I’m not even going anywhere in particular, I just feel like I’m going to explode – and I have no intention of going to the movie with them. I don’t want to go home either, because Mom is there. I’m just randomly walking, and crying my eyes out – there aren’t many people on the street, and even when I see someone, I’m too brokenhearted to stop. Then I hear a familiar voice, and I look up, and Jessica is there with her family. Her older son comes and gives me a hug (which I can’t even imagine happening IRL!) – oh, and in the dream, he’s taller than me. He and his brother and their dad then keep walking while Jess comes to hold me for a minute. Without any words exchanged, she somehow knows what’s going on and why I can’t stop crying, and I somehow know that she’s going to have me come stay with them until the holidays are over and I can come back home (to Oregon) – because she can’t stand the thought of me staying where I’m not wanted and where I’m hurting so badly.

Now, I have no clue why my brain put Jessica and her family in the Bay Area when all of the rest of my friends were up here. Maybe because I know she used to live down there – heck, I saw her in a few musicals when I was in high school, though I didn’t know it at the time. Woke up in a strange blend of deep grief over being so thoroughly rejected by my family and yet a sweet feeling of being loved and supported by my friend. Made for a strange day – I think I’m just as glad that I didn’t get called in.


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