FML

Here’s the thing. My parents didn’t just leave me wounded. They fucking broke me. My level of reaction is completely ridiculous. Most recent case in point: random issue at the studio, some parent took offense (and I can’t even think of what I said!) and Diana absolutely bent over backwards to make sure I knew she wasn’t angry and keep me from feeling scolded. And of course I still have to lose my mind – because it really has nothing to do with what’s going on, it has to do with what it’s triggering inside of me. First, of course, the level to which she “had” to go to keep me from feeling attacked sets off its own set of stuff, because of course it was made very clear to me that it’s never okay for people to have to go out of their way to be careful of your needs or feelings. I, of course, must do everything in my power to be careful of theirs, but it’s horribly selfish for them to have to do so for me.

So, let’s see. There’s the generic terror of authority figures who are, or even vaguely might be, angry. When the slightest infraction is followed up with an hour or more of screaming, looming in your face, and being slapped if you try to defend yourself at all, you do pretty much anything to prevent people from getting mad at you. Never thought I’d see the day when I would rather have done just about anything than face *Diana*, of all people – and it wasn’t even about her, I trust her to a level that I don’t trust hardly anyone else.

Then there’s the unbelievably deep-seated conviction that I will never be able to be “worth” the amount of trouble that I cause to the people I love. This is what drives my desperate need to be useful to everyone. It’s like I need to earn peoples’ affection. This is definitely connected to the part where, whenever I got in trouble, I also got a litany of things they shouldn’t have done for me or given to me – because of course, screwing up meant that I did not deserve to have had anything nice happen, ever. And of course, screwing up in a way that could potentially reflect negatively on her professional life? END OF THE WORLD. So since this was about a complaint from a mother, which could in the very worst case scenario cause someone to leave the studio (omg so not even remotely not that big a deal, but my brain always has to go to the worst case scenario), clearly what I “deserve” is to have Diana be ready to kill me, regret any kindness she’s ever shown me, revoke any and all privileges I have, and basically not want me around anymore.

Of course, all of my shame has to get triggered too. And having that happen around the studio, which has been my place of refuge, is massively fucking with my head. That’s the real reason I didn’t want to go in today. Which is even more bizarre considering that Friday is my favorite day this year – getting to work with Diana for all of my classes, feeling like I actually *can* do most of the stuff we’re working on… Diana had to call me out to be in the front today, once we came off the barre in ballet, and that’s usually automatic. After class, I usually grab the cleaning stuff and go straight to work, since on Friday I work on the back studios and the lobby glass. Tonight, I had to stash the stuff in the back and head home until Diana was due to be done with her private lessons – because there was no possible way I could face whoever happened to be in the lobby. I was even prepared to lurk out front, once I got back, until after she called the mother in to watch as she usually does at the end of a private, so I could sneak into the back without having to fave anybody. Would have given Diana an out too, she could have left without having to deal with my drama if she would have preferred. However, the receptionist had left early and the front door was locked when I got there (best-laid plans, eh?). I could have knocked, Diana would have come and let me in, but that kind of thing is beyond me on a good day, strikes me as rude, but especially tonight – not going to happen. I think I have figured out what it was that happened, and if I’m right, it was the mom who was there at the end of the night tonight who is upset with me. Which of course makes her the very last person I want to see – hence why I was SO desperate not to see her. Her daughter is a neat kid, and she has a fun sense of humor, and we tend to chat and joke during class. I couldn’t even look at her today, and I think I actually snubbed her a couple of times. Hope that didn’t wind up hurting her feelings on top of everything. On the other hand, maybe seeing me shamefacedly sneaking in at the end of the day will make the mom feel better (if it was her) – maybe she’ll think I was there for Diana to chew me out or something. Who knows.

Seriously, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to emulate an actual functional adult. This is the main reason I’m keeping my profile on the dating site hidden. If I can’t stop overreacting like this, I have absolutely no business subjecting someone else to my insanity.

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