On Birthdays

So today’s my birthday. Technically yesterday, I guess, since it’s after midnight.

I have serious birthday issues.

This is for a few reasons, I guess. The first and most obvious reason is the whole lack of family issue. Birthdays are family affairs, really, once you’re not a little kid anymore.

Also, while everyone is happy to make Facebook posts saying “happy birthday”, really very few people actually care. As crazy as my mother is, she was really good at birthdays. She’d organize a party, make a gorgeous cake, and get people to show up.

I can make decent cake. Not so much good-looking. Everything else I totally fail at.

One can only go through so many iterations of trying to plan a party, inviting people a month or two in advance (and then sending reminders), having them assure you they’ll be there, only to have them back out at the last minute. Usually for things like “oh, so-and-so wanted to have a drink”. Seriously? This is my BIRTHDAY. You promised me a month and a half ago that you’d come. You assured me that you wouldn’t miss it for the world. When I reminded you, you told me you couldn’t wait. Now somebody just randomly wants to hang out, and that’s somehow more important? What the fuck?

You know, I already have major self-esteem issues. And I already feel like I’m last priority for everybody in the world. It’s a hard place to be – most people at least have family or sweethearts or SOMEBODY with whom they can rank higher, but I have no family (yes, by choice, but still), no sweetheart, and I’m not family (and so not priority) for anybody. And yeah, I know this and mostly I’m used to it. But it hurts to have it rubbed in so hard on what’s “supposed” to be a special day.

So, fine. No more parties. And for most people that would be fine – at least they have family and can do a birthday dinner with them. Family’s a given, right? Oh wait, see above re: I have none. So then what do you do? Seems awfully rude to go to someone and be all “gee, I think you should make/buy me lunch/dinner for my birthday”… sigh. I did finally get over myself and tell Kat that I wanted to get together with her. Still felt like I was being all demanding, but she just laughed at that part. 🙂

Then there’s the general issue I have with holidays in general. I remember how excited I was as a kid over just about any holiday (even though my general lack of creativity was stressful at Halloween) – but now, while I desperately want to feel that again, I get to the holiday and all I can feel is “eh, it’s just another day, who cares?”. And this makes me very sad. I initially hoped that it was related to my depression – but my depression is under control now and it hasn’t shifted. Maybe it would be different if I lived with someone and we could feed off of each other’s anticipation and excitement, but that’s not an option at this point in time.

So… yeah. Birthdays stress me out. Today was actually quite sweet, for which I am grateful. I am happy that I had dance tonight, too – dance is the most important thing in my life at this point, my studio family is important to me, so it just seems appropriate.

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