emotions

Emotions are strange things. I’ve had a handful of good days. It’s even been sunny, on and off, and I swear that I’m just solar-powered. I’ve been in a good mood and everything. And then this afternoon, on the way home from getting my cat microchipped, all I want to do is burst into tears. Get home and start reading – and I do burst into tears. Now granted, this part of this book is rough, and sometimes makes me tear up a bit, but usually it’s just that. Lump in the throat, a few discreet tears leaking out… yeah, today I was sobbing.

I’m at a pretty good point in my cycle, it shouldn’t be hormonal. I’ve been eating, it shouldn’t be food related. But my anxiety has been doing strange things of late – not even sure what, exactly, just strange things. And then… honestly, I think it’s stuff that’s needed to come out for a while, but I think it was really triggered by my cat.

See, this is my new cat. She’s a muffin. Super friendly, curious, bright, playful, she’s a handful… but a lot of fun. When I took her to get spayed, she had no fear of the carrier. She didn’t love the car ride, but it didn’t freak her out. She was mostly annoyed that I wasn’t petting her – and I’d open the top of the carrier and pet her whenever I safely could. (I do drive a stick shift, have to have both hands free most of the time) But her spay… I’m STILL angry about that. The clinic didn’t keep her overnight, didn’t send home any pain meds, and she was clearly in a LOT of pain for two full days and then some. And that’s the only time I’ve taken her anywhere in the carrier. I’ve been meaning to fit my cat harness to her (she’s a lot skinnier than Toby, who it’s currently set for) and take her up to PetSmart to meet Nancy and some of my other Cat Adoption Team friends, but I haven’t made that happen yet. So today I put her in the carrier – and she resists. Not spectacularly, but she did not want to get in there. And she was crying at me as I took her to the car – this cat rarely ever says a word, she’s not a vocal cat at all. She was definitely stressed on the ride down there, and when I took her out in the waiting area to meet people, she was shaking. I’ve NEVER seen this cat afraid like that. Not ever. And I’m sure it’s because the last time I put her in that box, she was taken away from me and left in a ton of pain – she doesn’t understand about things like spaying, all she knows is that she was hurt. I’m hoping that today may have helped, since microchipping is really not a big deal (one big poke with a large needle, it’s not pleasant but it’s NOT that bad, and certainly won’t leave her hurting for DAYS the way that major abdominal surgery does) and everyone loved her, she got LOTS of positive attention. But seeing her so scared and submissive like that… it really broke my heart. So, compassion for her, renewed anger at the vet clinic, and massive mommy-guilt… That was probably the real trigger.

The poor little thing has been SUPER clingy since we’ve been home. Purring and lovey, but wanting to be ON me much more than usual. Definitely need to get her out to PetSmart soon, to reinforce that we don’t only get into the carrier to have bad things happen – sometimes it just means some love and a chance to explore a new place. And she’s so friendly and SO beautiful, everyone who meets her just falls in love with her.

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