So whatever happened on Thursday was probably a good thing. It really made me see what I was doing to myself. I started eating fairly normally on Friday – well, “normally” for anybody else, I’m sure, though abnormally for me – lots of veggies, chicken, almost no junk (the occasional handful of M&Ms), no beef, good stuff. I spent the weekend freezing to death, which I attribute to metabolic damage. I get the same kind of cold when it’s late at night and I’ve been up for too long and my body has decided that it’s long past time for sleep and I can just feel my metabolism plunging. So I mostly spent the weekend (including most of Monday) eating and soaking in hot baths, trying to thaw out my toes (and legs… and torso…).

I was doing great (aside from feeling like I’m already gaining weight again – hoping that’s just the PMS) until it came time to get ready for my dance class Monday night. Then I started getting anxious. And apparently with cause – even after 3 solid days of rest and 4 of good food (I did go to ballet on Friday), I actually felt worse in class than I did at any time during the actively anorexic month that just ended. Sick, weak, dizzy, lightheaded… It was ridiculous. Yeah, I get that 4 days can’t make up for 4 weeks, but to be actively worse than before? I so don’t get it. I’m almost glad that my class was canceled tonight – except that I hate missing it, I’ll have to miss next week too due to a staff meeting, I could use the practice in the crazy paddle patterns we’ve been doing, and it’s the majority of my social life on any given day. But working even a couple of hours this morning (something like 6.5) was enough to leave me dead exhausted and weak all over again. I’ve eaten pretty well today, but clearly it’s more than just calories – my body is worn to a thread. I guess.

And really, I’m so over the PMS. My period just needs to start already, kthxbai.


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