So I seem to be suddenly trying to do some choreography. It’s to the Cher song I embedded a few posts back, “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me”. This song has been resonating with me to an unbelievable extent since I first heard it. I emailed Diana about it, and how I wished someone would choreograph something to it so I could dance it, and she decided that I should do so.

Here’s the thing – I have never been able to choreograph. I dread freestyling in class. When we had to choreograph something for my PE dance class in middle school, I mostly cobbled together pieces of other dances I’d learned – nobody from my studio was in my school, it wouldn’t matter to anyone. Subconsciously, some of it probably is self-confidence issues – but it’s not just a case of feeling like “nobody’s going to want to watch what I put together”, I just couldn’t find any movements to fit what I was hearing or feeling. Still can’t. Don’t know why, and it makes me CRAZY, but I just couldn’t.

And of course I sent Diana a long email wailing about all of this. This seems to be how I work – I have to have this big long blow-up about how I ABSOLUTELY CAN’T do whatever it is, and then I can finally open up and see whether or not I really can. Because a few days after that email, I happened to be at the studio alone at the end of the day, a time when I knew I wouldn’t be interrupted and nobody would need the space. And… it just flowed. I worry, because it’s very literal to the lyrics, which doesn’t seem particularly creative, and there are several pieces that seem to repeat each other – different moves, but the same basic concept. But it’s the best I’ve got for now. And heck, music is repetitive; this lyric line for the verse, this lyric line for the chorus, the chorus itself repeating multiple times, same words… So maybe there’s a precedent. 😉

It’s the first thing I’ve ever tried to choreograph, ever, and the song is so deeply entwined in my heart right now – and totally speaking to my ED issues. So showing it to anyone and having them not like it, or even not get it, would be rather devastating. But Diana knows what’s been going on – and more than that, she gets me. The Leo in me was desperate to show it to someone, so Diana was the logical first choice. So I swallowed the fear and showed it to her after ballet on Friday – with the clear knowledge that it’s very much a work in progress and I’d never even physically run about half of it, those bits were choreographed in my head. And… she liked it. And I know her well enough to know that she wouldn’t fake that. If she hadn’t liked it, she would have been very gentle and very sensitive about saying so – but she wouldn’t have faked it. Before class, she asked whether I was looking for an opinion, or suggestions, or what… I swallowed my fear and asked for both. She had a couple of suggestions which I quite liked, too. But what I really loved was her final reaction – after we’d discussed her suggestions and all, and she was about to let the little ones in, she gave me the little bow that she gives sometimes and said “Thank you for being vulnerable”.

She so TOTALLY gets it.

So I tried to work on it again after that. I was able to incorporate some of her suggestions, and managed to hammer out some problems with the stuff I’d never tried before – but it wasn’t flowing. I think I only added a few moves. And I’m starting to feel like I’m running out of moves to use. I really want to finish this piece, but I’m starting to worry that I might not be able to. And I think that would break my heart. So please, send good choreography thoughts my way.


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