Sometimes eating just makes it worse. Even eating something healthy can cause me to panic – I’ve been known to purge something as simple as a bowl of green beans. It’s worse when it doesn’t trigger the panic though – because then I really *notice* the hunger. And my body thinks I’m finally going to *do* something about the hunger. So I eat a little bit – and I’m suddenly so hungry I want to devour everything in the kitchen. Which is frustrating – and just reinforces the desire not to eat at all.

And yet sometimes, it’s no big deal. Take today – granted, I was out part of the morning. Went grocery shopping, isn’t that a laugh? Had a gift card to People’s Food Co-Op, so I got some produce and some juice for flavoring kombucha (pomegranate) and some of my favorite tea (sweet rose Tulsi tea). Being out of the house helps, I’m less inclined to randomly eat when I’m not home. Came home and decided that it was “late enough” to “risk” eating – chances were that I couldn’t do too much damage if I became insatiable – unlike yesterday, when I suddenly started randomly sucking down candy at 11 pm. *sigh* So I decided to be virtuous and try to eat something fairly solid and attempted an omelet. I think I did pretty well, too, for one of my first attempts. I used two of the duck eggs that I get from one of the midwives – free, fresh-laid, and they’re tasty, a bit stronger flavor than chicken eggs, and much higher ratio of yolk to white. Because of that, they were pretty stiff and thick, so I added a bit of my (raw) milk to get a better consistency – probably just a tablespoon or so. Cooked in butter of course (sigh) – then stuffed with a slice of lunchmeat (ham), some chopped green onions, and some farmer cheese. Farmer cheese is what I make when I have leftover milk at the end of the week, or when I get that scary stable-at-room-temperature milk from the food bank – heat the milk, add some vinegar, and the acid makes it curdle – strain the whey, and you have essentially home made cream cheese. I added some salt and dill when I made it. It was pretty tasty. Had that and a mug of my Tulsi tea. And… I’m okay with that. That’s all I need all day, as far as I’m currently concerned. Haven’t even begun to attempt to total the calories, but I’m sure it’s nowhere NEAR 2000 – probably not even over 1000.

Wait, that’s not entirely true – I’m also having a bottle of kombucha right now. Still no clue on calories, since I brew my own – but I figure I can use the sugar and nutrients, since I have my most intense (and longest, 2 hours) dance class starting in about half an hour. Honestly not planning on eating anything else today – and yes, I’m well aware that this is not a good choice. *sigh*

I should email my therapist. I recently looked up her website and found that she’s on sabbatical for the next 2 years while she finishes her degree in Oriental medicine, but she might know of some support groups or something…

Really hoping to hear from my doctor soon – I’m off the Xanax as of Thursday, and a little worried about that change.


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